Friday, August 31, 2012
'Family', continued (again, as written)
"I was almost 22 years old when I met my husband Frank M. Tucker we went together six months. and were married. in the mean time his younger brother Silas was dateing my younger sister Minnie. soon they were married. in July 2nd 1908. in August 27 1908 Frank and I were married. [2] Brothers married [2] sisters. this makes our children double first cousins. some mixup. just one of those things. Well Frank and I had two children. my first was a girl we named her Florence Louise. then we had our boy. we named him Gilman Emeory. Louise grew up and married Elmie W. Hill. they have three children two girls and one boy. His name is William Clegg Hill. the oldest girl Freda May married Don C. Lilly. and Hazle married L. D. Hartwell. William married Jo Richards. of Beckley WV. a very sweet girl. and of course the girls got fine men too. My son Gilman met and married a very sweet Scotch Lassie by the name of Hellan. We called her Pat frome patrick she was working in a sweet shop when he met her. to this union is one fine GrandSon Frank Matthew Tucker. we are very proud of him. he has been serving his country for almost four years. his time will be out in March. we sure will be glad to see him home again. In the mean time. he was dating a very sweet girl by the name of Shirley Jackson of Mt. Hope W.V. they have been married over three years now so it will mean a lot to all when he gets home once more. we are going through a very trying time just now. Gilman has been sick for most three months and at present is in the Oak Hill Hospital he has a virus of some kind. Pat that is his wife goes to the hospital every day. will I have been going like a house on fire. and haven't got very far but I hope I have got a few things off my chest. I forgot to say much about my own family. I will say a few words about my brothers and sisters of which some is very sad.
My oldest Brother. William Fanning Cheek. was electrocuted accidentally and my youngest brother Victor Gay Cheek died of T.B. I only have one living brother at present. Walter H. Cheek. he lives here in Mt. Hope WVa. he works for the Blackburn Patterson Co. and my oldest sister Minnie Lee Cheek Tucker she died with Cancer my next Sister Ella Cheek Thompson who lives here in Mt. Hope at present she is a widow now. I have another sister Nell Cheek Stevens. she lives in Williamington Del. and I have another sister Gussie Rea Cheek Perry she and her husband Ronald live here in Mt. Hope WVa too. my youngest sister Agnes Cheek Batten. She died with Cancer also. My Father died in 1918 with Flue. My Mother died with cancer also. so it seems I am left here for some-thing. I do love to help other people and do what I can do for them. I am glad I have the Lord in my life. he helps me through so many trials and dark places. It has not been a bed of roses but you know we all have to take the bitter with the sweet. well getting back to my earlier days. I told you about my Father being a coal miner. he was a very devout union man. he held an office in the Local. and they sent him two different times to the miners convention in Indianapolis Ind. but you can just bet your bottom dollar. that as soon as there was any trouble about the miners. they always picked on my Dad." To be continued.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Family
"The Name of This is The Last Move
I have had an inspiration to write a book about my self and relatetions so here I go: I don't know what I will do with it. or what it will be like. As my age is creeping up on me, it seemed it would be good to leave a few words be-hind about my folks and my life. If I live to see March 20th/57, I will be 70 years old you might think this is funny that I would have a desire to write like this. As to my family, My Father Charles Fanning Cheek. was born and reared in Weaverville North Carlonia Bunscomb Co. he came to W.Va. and met my mother Sara Jane Wees. Through my uncle Charles Sink, he had married my mothers Sister Anna. So the love bug got them too. My mother was born and reared in Raleigh Co. W.Va. her Father was George Wees. And my Grandmother was Clementine Jane Godbey before she married my grandfather. he was in the Cival war. 4 years and 6 moths. and was home only twice in that time. he was wounded in the hip and was never able to get around very well after he came home. they bought land and built them a log house two big rooms. a large fireplace in each room. they reared their family there. the family consist of Rhoda E. Walthall Wees, Will Wees, John Wees, Susan Wees Holt, Jimmie Wees. Biggs. Jones. she was married twice. my mother Sarah Jane Wees Cheek, Anna Wees Sink. then Robert Wees was the youngest child - All of these have deceased now. my mother was the mother of 13 children of which she reared 9 of us I am the oldest one. When I was born they thought they would name me good. they named me Sarah. after my mother Olivia after my grandmother Cheek. Elizabeth after Aunt Rhoda E. Wees Walthall. Jane after my grandmother Wees. so after they gave me all these names I married twice so you see my name is Sarah Olivia Elizabeth Jane Cheek Then I married Frank McGee Tucker. We were married twenty nine years. then he took Broncal Asthma. and died. then I later married John W. Perry I was 51. he was 79. he lived 10 years and he died they were both good Husbands and I miss them both, it just fell my lot I guess to end that way - well as I started off with all them names. They made a short name for me and called me Ollie. I always have despised my name. but what could any one do with so much name hung to them. they should have saved some of my names for some of the balance of the other 12 children oh well enough for the names. I sure got mine. as I said be fore My Dad was reared in Weaverville N.C. his father run a Tan Yard. Tanned bark and animal skins and such also they made crockery Jugs Bottles Bowls and dishes - but when Dad came out to W.Va. he earned his living by working in the Coal Mines. So you can see we all had a very hard time getting along. but let me tell you we made it. I look back to those days some time. and think how happy we all were to-geather. we were poor but we were happy. I had a good Father and Mother. They were Christians and they taught us to live right of which I am thankful."
To be continued...
I have had an inspiration to write a book about my self and relatetions so here I go: I don't know what I will do with it. or what it will be like. As my age is creeping up on me, it seemed it would be good to leave a few words be-hind about my folks and my life. If I live to see March 20th/57, I will be 70 years old you might think this is funny that I would have a desire to write like this. As to my family, My Father Charles Fanning Cheek. was born and reared in Weaverville North Carlonia Bunscomb Co. he came to W.Va. and met my mother Sara Jane Wees. Through my uncle Charles Sink, he had married my mothers Sister Anna. So the love bug got them too. My mother was born and reared in Raleigh Co. W.Va. her Father was George Wees. And my Grandmother was Clementine Jane Godbey before she married my grandfather. he was in the Cival war. 4 years and 6 moths. and was home only twice in that time. he was wounded in the hip and was never able to get around very well after he came home. they bought land and built them a log house two big rooms. a large fireplace in each room. they reared their family there. the family consist of Rhoda E. Walthall Wees, Will Wees, John Wees, Susan Wees Holt, Jimmie Wees. Biggs. Jones. she was married twice. my mother Sarah Jane Wees Cheek, Anna Wees Sink. then Robert Wees was the youngest child - All of these have deceased now. my mother was the mother of 13 children of which she reared 9 of us I am the oldest one. When I was born they thought they would name me good. they named me Sarah. after my mother Olivia after my grandmother Cheek. Elizabeth after Aunt Rhoda E. Wees Walthall. Jane after my grandmother Wees. so after they gave me all these names I married twice so you see my name is Sarah Olivia Elizabeth Jane Cheek Then I married Frank McGee Tucker. We were married twenty nine years. then he took Broncal Asthma. and died. then I later married John W. Perry I was 51. he was 79. he lived 10 years and he died they were both good Husbands and I miss them both, it just fell my lot I guess to end that way - well as I started off with all them names. They made a short name for me and called me Ollie. I always have despised my name. but what could any one do with so much name hung to them. they should have saved some of my names for some of the balance of the other 12 children oh well enough for the names. I sure got mine. as I said be fore My Dad was reared in Weaverville N.C. his father run a Tan Yard. Tanned bark and animal skins and such also they made crockery Jugs Bottles Bowls and dishes - but when Dad came out to W.Va. he earned his living by working in the Coal Mines. So you can see we all had a very hard time getting along. but let me tell you we made it. I look back to those days some time. and think how happy we all were to-geather. we were poor but we were happy. I had a good Father and Mother. They were Christians and they taught us to live right of which I am thankful."
To be continued...
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Schoolboy Civility
As we all know, George Washington was our first president. Upon reading Colonial Manners by our first president ( http://www.history.org/almanack/life/manners/rules2.cfm ) , which was written while he was a teenager, the first thought that came to mind was ‘Who were his role models?’.
In those days ‘well-to-do’ children were often raised by slave nannies or hired governesses. It doesn’t really say in a discovered ‘alleged factual’ biography ( http://xroads.virginia.edu/~cap/gw/gwbio.html ) how young George was nursed or cared for until primary school, though it appears his childhood was less than middle class according to today’s so-called lower middle class families, given the ‘conveniences’ many of us now take for granted, such as electricity, running water, and in-house bathrooms or indoor plumbing.
It’s popular wisdom in child development that much of a child’s fundamental character or conditioning with regard to how they respond to the outside world is largely programmed by the age of five. Generally, I wouldn’t disagree. So what could be found about young George leaves a mystery as to the biggest influences of his most formative early years until he entered school. As to his schooling, it was rudimentary and non exceptional, having been sent to boarding school once elementary school was finished thirty miles from where he was born. It would also appear certain teachers were positive mentors as well. The only real evidence of this is how George turned out.
What this illustrates in comparison to modern times here is that for all basic purposes George’s elementary school education was not much different in terms of available resources in comparison to today’s poorest schools. What makes today’s poorest schools really ‘poor’ is the attitude, non-dedication, and lack of civility instilled in school administrations and teachers. Many home schooled children have even fewer tools, and exhibit higher grade level functioning and learning than children that attend most of today’s ‘public schools’.
Young George studied by the light of a candle and in daylight with a lower teacher to student ratio than today’s averages in an unregulated ‘churchyard school’. It’s been said that gifted children don’t need gifted programs as much as they need support, because they naturally challenge themselves and don’t require any special curriculum to excel. The balance of a healthy everyday life and access to learning makes for whatever an exceptional child may desire with an overwhelming curiosity and thirst for knowledge, unimpeded by various forms of negativity rampant in so-called ‘adults’ of today. Children today face countless obstacles to their developing self-esteem, without which asserting themselves to feed their otherwise healthy curiosities becomes abruptly stifled.
What young George also had that was a result of his times growing up was the opportunity to observe and listen. In reading his Rules of Civility, the observance and execution of ‘body language’ is frequently addressed, though not called by our modern term. Nuances our bustling world has all but forgotten are critical in the human interactions of young George’s time. Imagine traveling days for a critical meeting; there were no ‘second chances’ in negotiations that first affected George’s life, and later that of a nation.
It’s no wonder George became a respected statesman and first president. He watched, listened, planned, and recorded with thought and precision, and an equal priority on communication styles that create mutual benefit between individuals to countries (as some of the small colonies considered themselves to be at the time). These skills were cultivated steadily throughout life as George grew up, year by year, one baby step at a time. That kind of civility has been copied by high achievers and will for generations to come. The natural rules that create progress for humanity never really change. Young George remains one of our greatest teachers, for those who have the opportunity to discover what those like him created for us all. Practicing unrelenting true civility in numbers makes the world better, one gesture at a time.
In those days ‘well-to-do’ children were often raised by slave nannies or hired governesses. It doesn’t really say in a discovered ‘alleged factual’ biography ( http://xroads.virginia.edu/~cap/gw/gwbio.html ) how young George was nursed or cared for until primary school, though it appears his childhood was less than middle class according to today’s so-called lower middle class families, given the ‘conveniences’ many of us now take for granted, such as electricity, running water, and in-house bathrooms or indoor plumbing.
It’s popular wisdom in child development that much of a child’s fundamental character or conditioning with regard to how they respond to the outside world is largely programmed by the age of five. Generally, I wouldn’t disagree. So what could be found about young George leaves a mystery as to the biggest influences of his most formative early years until he entered school. As to his schooling, it was rudimentary and non exceptional, having been sent to boarding school once elementary school was finished thirty miles from where he was born. It would also appear certain teachers were positive mentors as well. The only real evidence of this is how George turned out.
What this illustrates in comparison to modern times here is that for all basic purposes George’s elementary school education was not much different in terms of available resources in comparison to today’s poorest schools. What makes today’s poorest schools really ‘poor’ is the attitude, non-dedication, and lack of civility instilled in school administrations and teachers. Many home schooled children have even fewer tools, and exhibit higher grade level functioning and learning than children that attend most of today’s ‘public schools’.
Young George studied by the light of a candle and in daylight with a lower teacher to student ratio than today’s averages in an unregulated ‘churchyard school’. It’s been said that gifted children don’t need gifted programs as much as they need support, because they naturally challenge themselves and don’t require any special curriculum to excel. The balance of a healthy everyday life and access to learning makes for whatever an exceptional child may desire with an overwhelming curiosity and thirst for knowledge, unimpeded by various forms of negativity rampant in so-called ‘adults’ of today. Children today face countless obstacles to their developing self-esteem, without which asserting themselves to feed their otherwise healthy curiosities becomes abruptly stifled.
What young George also had that was a result of his times growing up was the opportunity to observe and listen. In reading his Rules of Civility, the observance and execution of ‘body language’ is frequently addressed, though not called by our modern term. Nuances our bustling world has all but forgotten are critical in the human interactions of young George’s time. Imagine traveling days for a critical meeting; there were no ‘second chances’ in negotiations that first affected George’s life, and later that of a nation.
It’s no wonder George became a respected statesman and first president. He watched, listened, planned, and recorded with thought and precision, and an equal priority on communication styles that create mutual benefit between individuals to countries (as some of the small colonies considered themselves to be at the time). These skills were cultivated steadily throughout life as George grew up, year by year, one baby step at a time. That kind of civility has been copied by high achievers and will for generations to come. The natural rules that create progress for humanity never really change. Young George remains one of our greatest teachers, for those who have the opportunity to discover what those like him created for us all. Practicing unrelenting true civility in numbers makes the world better, one gesture at a time.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Trial by Fire
I don't like this new format in Blogger; am thinking of starting a new blog elsewhere, as have not been able to take the time to figure out how to have paragraph spaces between writing, which I create when writing, though now has not shown up in a completed post. This was not the case before.
Speaking of cases, have had several going at once at a very uncomfortable pace with other families affairs pending a combination of efforts. I survived the last two weeks, though still not feeling nearly caught up to where anything feels manageable. My life or my family's cannot be sacrificed further, or my help to others cannot have priority over my own child. The balancing act is very challenging and lately more often than not feels like a tightrope in an earthquake.
All we can really manage is one day at a time. Sometimes it seems ridiculous that every single tomorrow depends on today. Some say it's true. Sometimes the sense of overwhelm or tunnelvision to get through creates lots of clouds that can't be seen through in a single day.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Her
Everything was deleted after a half hour or more of work. The save didn't work when it should have as before. So here's another version of the similar thoughts that just wrote a different configuration of words...
The young woman on the bus across from me didn't realize the person opposite her was the granddaughter of someone just as strikingly beautiful as she. She also likely had no idea that someday she would be the person sitting across from her: aged, no longer ogled by every male in her presence, as well as others.
Ironically, I'm much more secure than when I was that beautiful, not as secure as my grandmother was at her age. My history was different, though I was the daughter of her son.
I didn't know what I had when I had it in terms of youth assets, and didn't make the most of them from lack of confidence, and information, though maybe there was some purpose in why the 'beauty factor' wasn't capitalized on when it was most obvious.
Beauty as such only goes so far, and doesn't mean much anymore in terms of accomplishments and steps forward. What was once important no longer is.
A child needs his mother as much as I needed my grandmother at a time when it was natural and usual to be cared for by grandparents who lived in the same place.
Now the world is a different place. Were it not for the 'tree huggers', some of us might not be here, though no one wishes to admit it.
There's much to do; I'm slowing down only as much as the age of someone who was a lifestyle athlete finds acceptable in the present, with a stage one malignancy in the past to boot.
The next generation is all that matters, so that grandchildren can be cared for in the same manner my grandmother took care of me, and served as my primary role model.
First things first. One day at a time. Being there for those most important, as my grandmother was for us, as beautiful in her prime as the young woman on the bus, and remembered in much the same way.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Serenity
I look forward to being serene again. Today is blog day. It's annoyingly unseasonably cold in New York. Where is it more serene? In the valley or at the top of the peak? The water is where the river is: in the valley. I'll go wherever it's warmer. I miss the four even seasons of a childhood in a much friendlier place. I'm not staying by choice now; I was left here.
Better days will come; they have to. So many children robbed of their childhoods. I can only help so many. One hand to help myself, another for another, with no less purpose.
The books are so heavy and take up so much space now, and I'm writing one. Three times over I've replaced the desired wall of tomes, upgrading the quality over time, yet not voluntarily; the other two libraries were lost to destruction. One by a flood, another by giving more than taking, with yet another taker to replace the one before right behind him.
No more. The child will not be the same. The role model for lack of a comparison cannot stick. Screaming into the wind or a black hole will cease, and the child will thrive again, unafraid of what anyone else thinks from one moment to the next, unlike the way it was, for too long.
Wherever I am at that moment, serenity will return; my hand will be there when he reaches out for it, whenever he wants, as it always has been. The barriers will be identified and broken down, their source understood, maybe even addressed.
All that matters immediately is that what remains of a childhood can be lived out to its fullest. The buried memories will return only as they are useful, and with minimal further harm. Then, if not before, we will be serene, and a family again.
Better days will come; they have to. So many children robbed of their childhoods. I can only help so many. One hand to help myself, another for another, with no less purpose.
The books are so heavy and take up so much space now, and I'm writing one. Three times over I've replaced the desired wall of tomes, upgrading the quality over time, yet not voluntarily; the other two libraries were lost to destruction. One by a flood, another by giving more than taking, with yet another taker to replace the one before right behind him.
No more. The child will not be the same. The role model for lack of a comparison cannot stick. Screaming into the wind or a black hole will cease, and the child will thrive again, unafraid of what anyone else thinks from one moment to the next, unlike the way it was, for too long.
Wherever I am at that moment, serenity will return; my hand will be there when he reaches out for it, whenever he wants, as it always has been. The barriers will be identified and broken down, their source understood, maybe even addressed.
All that matters immediately is that what remains of a childhood can be lived out to its fullest. The buried memories will return only as they are useful, and with minimal further harm. Then, if not before, we will be serene, and a family again.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Here We Go Again
Thought of entry first part of the day, then remembered after it was too late. Too much going on for one person responsible for more than one child or family. Aftereffects of situation continue for years, like those in the wrong place at the wrong time after a hurrican or tsunami. In those circumstances, those who lose the most are not held responsible for their location when disaster struck. By the same token, an individual taken advantage of or exploited, be they child, woman, or grandparent, should not ever be blamed for what happens to them at the hands of someone else or other people.
Sometimes an entire team is involved in the siege, for money, status, or power, at others' expense including sometimes their very lives. It has gone on for decades, and almost a single decade for one family in its entirety, both sides, begun by the continuing acts of a single person putting themselves before others from an instilled sense of entitlement, among other things.
It happens to lots of people, who are worth much more than a so-called net worth. They are grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended family who are rarely if ever named as parties directly, yet they are directly affected in as many profound ways, to the extent of losing their lives early, with no one implicated or held accountable as the cause.
This is to give perspective, if not inspire, yet the latter is difficult to understand now. When one is removed from a situation after some time the perspective changes, in the best of possible outcomes.
Who reads books anymore? Will it be found on a tablet device, in hardcover, or both? It's not a story; it's a reality for so many. Those not affected think it could 'never' happen to them, just like a natural disaster would not strike them either...
Without the 'bad', the 'good' cannot be appreciated, so they say, though losing years of a childhood or a lifetime takes its toll. In the broad perspective of humanity, it's a part of the social evolution from the framing of the Constitution until now. No one is really immune to the effects in 'the big picture'; it's an illusion to think otherwise.
Maybe not entering on time today as opposed to yesterday is a reflection of dwelling on things that are unpleasant and overshadowing being something not easily addressed or articulated. To focus on putting what's necessary into words takes emotion and energy. The difference between those who survive and those who have more difficulty is a willingness or ability to do the unpleasant, the same as those who succeed.
Sometimes an entire team is involved in the siege, for money, status, or power, at others' expense including sometimes their very lives. It has gone on for decades, and almost a single decade for one family in its entirety, both sides, begun by the continuing acts of a single person putting themselves before others from an instilled sense of entitlement, among other things.
It happens to lots of people, who are worth much more than a so-called net worth. They are grandparents, aunts, uncles, and extended family who are rarely if ever named as parties directly, yet they are directly affected in as many profound ways, to the extent of losing their lives early, with no one implicated or held accountable as the cause.
This is to give perspective, if not inspire, yet the latter is difficult to understand now. When one is removed from a situation after some time the perspective changes, in the best of possible outcomes.
Who reads books anymore? Will it be found on a tablet device, in hardcover, or both? It's not a story; it's a reality for so many. Those not affected think it could 'never' happen to them, just like a natural disaster would not strike them either...
Without the 'bad', the 'good' cannot be appreciated, so they say, though losing years of a childhood or a lifetime takes its toll. In the broad perspective of humanity, it's a part of the social evolution from the framing of the Constitution until now. No one is really immune to the effects in 'the big picture'; it's an illusion to think otherwise.
Maybe not entering on time today as opposed to yesterday is a reflection of dwelling on things that are unpleasant and overshadowing being something not easily addressed or articulated. To focus on putting what's necessary into words takes emotion and energy. The difference between those who survive and those who have more difficulty is a willingness or ability to do the unpleasant, the same as those who succeed.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
'Traumatic Bonding'
The topic is an ongoing conversation; it's shocking how many still don't 'get it', and continue to place children in the hands of such individuals with no protection or safeguards in place. Other family being removed from children's lives only adds to the damage that compounds over time until who the child becomes is altogther different than who they may have become otherwise. Nothing can compensate for relatives who have become ill or passed on from the resulting isolation and lack of recognition or support. A child's identity is limited by lack of exposure to those who represent strong ties to positive and lasting legacies that the loss of time substantially erodes or causes complete evaporation in instances of death. Unaccountability continues, though not for all.
Below is taken from but one resource that's only a few pages from dozens that are available and documented, yet many in systems that "serve" families are either unaware of the facts, listen to what they're told, or don't bother to find out themselves. Thousands of lives have been lost or seriously diminished across the country as a result. Countless others remain at risk. Apologies for the lack of an upbeat tone this month. Contrast is part of the process.
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/why-do-you-stay-traumatic-bonding-and.html
…helplessness and a lack of resources can be contributing factors it is time we look at the bond created by severe, prolonged trauma.
Traumatic bonding was first recognized and acknowledged during a hostage incident in Stockholm, Sweden. Authorities were amazed that the hostages refused to cooperate with them and actually saw law enforcement as the villains. What they were witnessing was the hostage's identification with the hostage taker. Authorities were even more shocked when the hostages refused to testify against their captors and one of the women later married him. While hostages may bond after a matter of hours batterers usually have many years with the victims without any interference or intervention.
This bond occurs because the well being of a child, a hostage, or woman depends upon the hostage taker or the batterer. If a batterer has total control over money, safety, peace and happiness then it is in their best interest to keep him happy.
This bond is not only in the best interest of the perpetrator but is, at times, in the best interest of the victim and is frequently necessary for survival. If a hostage is argumentative they are more likely to be injured. If a hostage taker dislikes the victim their likelihood of [harm] increases.
We often berate victims for staying in relationships and can't understand how it happened. A controlling man does not take a woman out and beat on the first date. We all put on our best face when we initially meet people, and batterers are no different. If he beat on the first date there would be no second. She has no history or investment in the relationship and wouldn't tolerate it. His taking control is a gradual process.
Battered hostages and prisoners of war will share some of the same experiences. Some of these shared experiences are that they are degraded, debilitated, they experience the constant threat of violence, the violence is intermittent, their are occasional indulgences, the captor demonstrates omnipotence, isolation etc...
The dynamics involved in domestic violence can be demonstrated by what's called The Power And Control Wheel by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP). It's interesting because when we compare Bidermans Chart of Coercion by Amnesty International with the Power and Control Wheel they are almost identical. (Bidermans Chart of Coercion is how Amnesty International documented the techniques of the Communist Chinese, KGB, etc. )
There are many types of service providers coming in contact with [those] who are still unaware of why women stay. These service providers are unable to address the bigger picture due to a lack of information. The inability to address this issue creates many problems. Law enforcement, and much of society, still blames women for defending their [abusers], unaware of the fact that not only is defending [them] in their best interest, but the bond itself reduces [harm]. The victims are not given the information they need to deal with the bond they feel and therefore attribute their perplexing feelings to "love." Allowing them [or] children, to continue in traumatic relationships.
"I am asking that we rethink our approach to domestic violence based on the fact that a traumatic bond is occurring and that the bond itself must be taken into consideration and dealt with.
STOCKHOLM SYNDROME THEORY
Stockholm Syndrome primarily develops under the following conditions:
Victim perceives the abuser as a threat to their survival, physically or psychologically.
Victim perceives the abuser as showing them some kindness, however small.
Victim is kept isolated from others.
Victim does not perceive a way to escape from the abuser.
Victim focuses on the abuser's needs.
Victim sees world from abuser's perspective.
Victim perceives those trying to help them as the "bad guys" and the abuser as the "good guys."
Victim finds it difficult to leave the abuser even when it is OK to do so.
Victim fears the abuser will come back to get them, even if he is dead or in prison.
Victim shows signs of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) including depression, low self-esteem, anxiety reactions, paranoia and feelings of helplessness, and recurring nightmares and flashbacks."
Below is taken from but one resource that's only a few pages from dozens that are available and documented, yet many in systems that "serve" families are either unaware of the facts, listen to what they're told, or don't bother to find out themselves. Thousands of lives have been lost or seriously diminished across the country as a result. Countless others remain at risk. Apologies for the lack of an upbeat tone this month. Contrast is part of the process.
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/why-do-you-stay-traumatic-bonding-and.html
…helplessness and a lack of resources can be contributing factors it is time we look at the bond created by severe, prolonged trauma.
Traumatic bonding was first recognized and acknowledged during a hostage incident in Stockholm, Sweden. Authorities were amazed that the hostages refused to cooperate with them and actually saw law enforcement as the villains. What they were witnessing was the hostage's identification with the hostage taker. Authorities were even more shocked when the hostages refused to testify against their captors and one of the women later married him. While hostages may bond after a matter of hours batterers usually have many years with the victims without any interference or intervention.
This bond occurs because the well being of a child, a hostage, or woman depends upon the hostage taker or the batterer. If a batterer has total control over money, safety, peace and happiness then it is in their best interest to keep him happy.
This bond is not only in the best interest of the perpetrator but is, at times, in the best interest of the victim and is frequently necessary for survival. If a hostage is argumentative they are more likely to be injured. If a hostage taker dislikes the victim their likelihood of [harm] increases.
We often berate victims for staying in relationships and can't understand how it happened. A controlling man does not take a woman out and beat on the first date. We all put on our best face when we initially meet people, and batterers are no different. If he beat on the first date there would be no second. She has no history or investment in the relationship and wouldn't tolerate it. His taking control is a gradual process.
Battered hostages and prisoners of war will share some of the same experiences. Some of these shared experiences are that they are degraded, debilitated, they experience the constant threat of violence, the violence is intermittent, their are occasional indulgences, the captor demonstrates omnipotence, isolation etc...
The dynamics involved in domestic violence can be demonstrated by what's called The Power And Control Wheel by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP). It's interesting because when we compare Bidermans Chart of Coercion by Amnesty International with the Power and Control Wheel they are almost identical. (Bidermans Chart of Coercion is how Amnesty International documented the techniques of the Communist Chinese, KGB, etc. )
There are many types of service providers coming in contact with [those] who are still unaware of why women stay. These service providers are unable to address the bigger picture due to a lack of information. The inability to address this issue creates many problems. Law enforcement, and much of society, still blames women for defending their [abusers], unaware of the fact that not only is defending [them] in their best interest, but the bond itself reduces [harm]. The victims are not given the information they need to deal with the bond they feel and therefore attribute their perplexing feelings to "love." Allowing them [or] children, to continue in traumatic relationships.
"I am asking that we rethink our approach to domestic violence based on the fact that a traumatic bond is occurring and that the bond itself must be taken into consideration and dealt with.
STOCKHOLM SYNDROME THEORY
Stockholm Syndrome primarily develops under the following conditions:
Victim perceives the abuser as a threat to their survival, physically or psychologically.
Victim perceives the abuser as showing them some kindness, however small.
Victim is kept isolated from others.
Victim does not perceive a way to escape from the abuser.
Victim focuses on the abuser's needs.
Victim sees world from abuser's perspective.
Victim perceives those trying to help them as the "bad guys" and the abuser as the "good guys."
Victim finds it difficult to leave the abuser even when it is OK to do so.
Victim fears the abuser will come back to get them, even if he is dead or in prison.
Victim shows signs of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) including depression, low self-esteem, anxiety reactions, paranoia and feelings of helplessness, and recurring nightmares and flashbacks."
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sara Hacala: Author
I don't do New Year's resolutions, though for the purpose of a common cause I will follow and advise an implementation that was not outwardly suggested in Ms. Hacala's book: one for each corresponding week of the year (52). The absence of a suggestion is a very nuanced form of politeness, true to Ms. Hacala's upbringing, background, and character that is effectively mirrored in how she lays out what anyone would require in directly and personally changing the world, one person at a time, one simple act at a time.
The book is called Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude, and Attitude for a Polite Planet. It could not be more timely; it is the missing link to what is required to save us globally on many levels.
Ironically (or not), the award winning documentary Waiting for Superman which focuses on the educational system in our country also targets how the system here has declined (thus our national strength) from the absence of quality education, from which how children, teachers, and parents relate to each other cannot be extricated from such elements in effective communication that leads to the full spectrum from which all social actions evolve and are reflected in our media, technology, political actions, economics, and all forms of violence that result from verbal aggressiveness. This brushstroke does not do justice to the principles from which Ms. Hacala draws her dots that can all be connected from the same origins, carried out in daily life from schools to street communication to traffic to public policy, the workplace, and our government. It is fascinating to read how far back the stories go that have led to what can be consciously reversed, just in the way we communicate.
More will be discussed here on this topic and the book itself in this post. For now and in wishing all a prosperous and peacefull New Year I will simply commit to the same also being featured one year from now in review of what has taken place one week at a time. I you'd like one of the best resolution books of the year while your holiday time concludes, Saving Civility is a recommended best pick.
Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude and Attitude for a Polite Planet by Sara Hacala
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Timing is everything. Met Sara personally at one of her signings just in time for the New Year. I don't make New Year's resolutions, though given that there were 52 transforming points Sara deftly and extensively researched in each of her highlighted short chapters/points, there are also 52 weeks in the year...
The book (available in softcover) provides an ideal platform for both self transformation and 'one at a time making a difference in the world'. Focused, it takes around three weeks of deliberate concentration to add(self improvement)or get rid of a habit (general well-being), according to Mark Victor Hansen and his colleagues (1+1 = 11).
The information provided is both informative and practical. The fringe benefits provided by the author's historical backgrounds of human interactions is as fascinating in the beginning of the book as are what she continues to provide in each of her continuing points throughout the book. Highly recommended. Thanks, Sara; looking forward to staying in touch... JM
View all my reviews
The book is called Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude, and Attitude for a Polite Planet. It could not be more timely; it is the missing link to what is required to save us globally on many levels.
Ironically (or not), the award winning documentary Waiting for Superman which focuses on the educational system in our country also targets how the system here has declined (thus our national strength) from the absence of quality education, from which how children, teachers, and parents relate to each other cannot be extricated from such elements in effective communication that leads to the full spectrum from which all social actions evolve and are reflected in our media, technology, political actions, economics, and all forms of violence that result from verbal aggressiveness. This brushstroke does not do justice to the principles from which Ms. Hacala draws her dots that can all be connected from the same origins, carried out in daily life from schools to street communication to traffic to public policy, the workplace, and our government. It is fascinating to read how far back the stories go that have led to what can be consciously reversed, just in the way we communicate.
More will be discussed here on this topic and the book itself in this post. For now and in wishing all a prosperous and peacefull New Year I will simply commit to the same also being featured one year from now in review of what has taken place one week at a time. I you'd like one of the best resolution books of the year while your holiday time concludes, Saving Civility is a recommended best pick.
Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude and Attitude for a Polite Planet by Sara HacalaMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
Timing is everything. Met Sara personally at one of her signings just in time for the New Year. I don't make New Year's resolutions, though given that there were 52 transforming points Sara deftly and extensively researched in each of her highlighted short chapters/points, there are also 52 weeks in the year...
The book (available in softcover) provides an ideal platform for both self transformation and 'one at a time making a difference in the world'. Focused, it takes around three weeks of deliberate concentration to add(self improvement)or get rid of a habit (general well-being), according to Mark Victor Hansen and his colleagues (1+1 = 11).
The information provided is both informative and practical. The fringe benefits provided by the author's historical backgrounds of human interactions is as fascinating in the beginning of the book as are what she continues to provide in each of her continuing points throughout the book. Highly recommended. Thanks, Sara; looking forward to staying in touch... JM
View all my reviews
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
'My Kilimanjaro'
Current wisdom in certain 'enlightened circles' says things are just as they should be, which I continually question and challenge when it comes to children, women, and those who needlessly and helplessly suffer at the hands of others through either confinement, culture, politics, condoned oppression in general, and laws that are either nonexistent to protect them or completely ignored when they do exist. That's it in a nutshell. Realizing this first hand the hard way has taken life in a direction previously unimaginable. I'll be doing this in one form or another for life; it would be a miracle to go away in my lifetime if I survive into old age, as what goes on in this country alone that gets kept out of the media is a life's work of itself.
The same principles that apply to a documentary movie such as Inside Job apply to all systems in this country today. Those of the other party demonize the current administration's inability to make much progress or allege worse. Those of the same party say it was sabotaged, bought, and paid for before the president took office, leaving him to function with one hand behind his back and hopping on one leg at best. The truth is it began long ago and has taken any moral or ethical model once claimed to one of all but complete non-credibility elsewhere on the globe. The country has sold out its own and created a culture so entrenched in the darkest forms of capitalism that there is a monetary value on every human life. People are defined by either their income, 'net worth', or status to be bought or sold in the marketplace.
There are slave trades and trafficking as well here almost no one hears about. The other forms of trafficking are abuses of law that keep people employed, such as children in the juvenile justice system who get or remain locked up to keep prisons open and their staffs working to the tune of over six figures per child per year when treatments appropriate for them cost a fraction of that.
Those in the system without a conscience keep an income by exploiting children and robbing them of their childhoods and futures from extended and inappropriate litigation so that the person who is either "worth" or pays more is permitted to control the process either outright or they are parroted by those who claim to represent children. Anything written down can be completely fabricated as on a child's behalf when the words were paid for by either questionable sources or unregulated misallocated yet claimed funding streams against both the child and any other family "worth less". A child's life can be placed in ongoing danger, 'sold' to the one with 'the most'. It happens every day somewhere in this country.
The work seems to have only just begun. This leaves similar practices in the rest of the world for others to take on, as many have. There are countries where women and other family members remain property. Without going into detail, which may be elsewhere in this blog, constitutionally people are still property in the U.S. or it's treated as such in practice. Day after day someone says they thought they were alone in their experience or what was happening as unthinkable was only happening to them. They are either isolated, unable to reach out for help, or have extended themselves as a last resort only to discover those in 'helping' positions can either only do so much or what they're in for could take years, if they survive.
That's the broad brushstroke. I've taken a position to record for others what no one told me when it may have helped more. It's become an enterprise that will be part of a legacy I've carried on from my grandfather and other inspirational family members of the past two generations. It's a purpose that's chosen, as all purposes are. Part of the mission is to let others know to pick a purpose sooner rather than later. It often comes from tragedy or the same of someone close to you, which seems to be the way of human nature. Those who have not faced death or the prospect of something close to it in one or more lifechanging moments often go about life letting it 'happen to them', as opposed to making life happen for themselves and others, all in a good way. Those without a voice that's heard as things are for them don't deserve life taken from them; giving them a voice is a purpose.
The next step is to exemplify this not only in daily life. To take a physical form outside of one person in many forms serves to provide symbolism, comfort, inspiration, tools, and ideas to those able to reach out and take action on behalf of themselves and others in forms limited only by their collective imaginations. In other words, to provide a platform for something limitless that grows exponentially into the next generation so that it may thrive can keep someone alive.
According to Inside Job, this generation is the first in history to have less than the one before with a fewer practical tools for building positive prosperous lives at their disposal despite what advances in technology continue to occur. Access has a price, too. Many take it for granted. They're not just the 1%; they're a big chunk of the 99% who aren't all bad, yet not all good either. That's common sense, which is also a gift that not everyone has. A person without a conscience or common sense can get far in the world with others' resources without looking back or caring who has been harmed by their actions; it's just all in a day's work for them. Many don't leave the planet happy or having known how to live other than taking from others, which isn't a life for a human. Parasites and cancer take life as well; it's not much different in the grand scheme of things.
To understand and appreciate good, many say evil will always exist somewhere. If it went away completely we will have created our own heaven. Unthinkable? Maybe not in my lifetime; maybe someday. Maybe because of something we did, collectively, by choice. To stand at the top of Kilimanjaro is not a goal for me; inspiring someone else to want to is imaginable. What they inspire others to do is limitless. Causing such a chain reaction is a legacy. Reversing the negative domino effect that exists today in such a way is the mountain for me. I'm grateful to still have the legs for it, now and for as far as they'll take me and those I can include.
The same principles that apply to a documentary movie such as Inside Job apply to all systems in this country today. Those of the other party demonize the current administration's inability to make much progress or allege worse. Those of the same party say it was sabotaged, bought, and paid for before the president took office, leaving him to function with one hand behind his back and hopping on one leg at best. The truth is it began long ago and has taken any moral or ethical model once claimed to one of all but complete non-credibility elsewhere on the globe. The country has sold out its own and created a culture so entrenched in the darkest forms of capitalism that there is a monetary value on every human life. People are defined by either their income, 'net worth', or status to be bought or sold in the marketplace.
There are slave trades and trafficking as well here almost no one hears about. The other forms of trafficking are abuses of law that keep people employed, such as children in the juvenile justice system who get or remain locked up to keep prisons open and their staffs working to the tune of over six figures per child per year when treatments appropriate for them cost a fraction of that.
Those in the system without a conscience keep an income by exploiting children and robbing them of their childhoods and futures from extended and inappropriate litigation so that the person who is either "worth" or pays more is permitted to control the process either outright or they are parroted by those who claim to represent children. Anything written down can be completely fabricated as on a child's behalf when the words were paid for by either questionable sources or unregulated misallocated yet claimed funding streams against both the child and any other family "worth less". A child's life can be placed in ongoing danger, 'sold' to the one with 'the most'. It happens every day somewhere in this country.
The work seems to have only just begun. This leaves similar practices in the rest of the world for others to take on, as many have. There are countries where women and other family members remain property. Without going into detail, which may be elsewhere in this blog, constitutionally people are still property in the U.S. or it's treated as such in practice. Day after day someone says they thought they were alone in their experience or what was happening as unthinkable was only happening to them. They are either isolated, unable to reach out for help, or have extended themselves as a last resort only to discover those in 'helping' positions can either only do so much or what they're in for could take years, if they survive.
That's the broad brushstroke. I've taken a position to record for others what no one told me when it may have helped more. It's become an enterprise that will be part of a legacy I've carried on from my grandfather and other inspirational family members of the past two generations. It's a purpose that's chosen, as all purposes are. Part of the mission is to let others know to pick a purpose sooner rather than later. It often comes from tragedy or the same of someone close to you, which seems to be the way of human nature. Those who have not faced death or the prospect of something close to it in one or more lifechanging moments often go about life letting it 'happen to them', as opposed to making life happen for themselves and others, all in a good way. Those without a voice that's heard as things are for them don't deserve life taken from them; giving them a voice is a purpose.
The next step is to exemplify this not only in daily life. To take a physical form outside of one person in many forms serves to provide symbolism, comfort, inspiration, tools, and ideas to those able to reach out and take action on behalf of themselves and others in forms limited only by their collective imaginations. In other words, to provide a platform for something limitless that grows exponentially into the next generation so that it may thrive can keep someone alive.
According to Inside Job, this generation is the first in history to have less than the one before with a fewer practical tools for building positive prosperous lives at their disposal despite what advances in technology continue to occur. Access has a price, too. Many take it for granted. They're not just the 1%; they're a big chunk of the 99% who aren't all bad, yet not all good either. That's common sense, which is also a gift that not everyone has. A person without a conscience or common sense can get far in the world with others' resources without looking back or caring who has been harmed by their actions; it's just all in a day's work for them. Many don't leave the planet happy or having known how to live other than taking from others, which isn't a life for a human. Parasites and cancer take life as well; it's not much different in the grand scheme of things.
To understand and appreciate good, many say evil will always exist somewhere. If it went away completely we will have created our own heaven. Unthinkable? Maybe not in my lifetime; maybe someday. Maybe because of something we did, collectively, by choice. To stand at the top of Kilimanjaro is not a goal for me; inspiring someone else to want to is imaginable. What they inspire others to do is limitless. Causing such a chain reaction is a legacy. Reversing the negative domino effect that exists today in such a way is the mountain for me. I'm grateful to still have the legs for it, now and for as far as they'll take me and those I can include.
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